Connecting Space Journals

Once a year we are asked to give thought to our fathers, to celebrate their role in our lives.

This draws the question. How has your relationship or non relationship with your father /dad impacted on you? What influence has your relationship with dad, his legacy, had and still having on your relationships in the present day.

Has this relationship enabled you or disarmed you? Encouraged or disrupted? Left you feeling loved or ?

I hope that this space will be given to reflect upon the variety of influences a parent can have on our lives and what we are left with.

Thinking out-loud

Jill

A powerful dream that means more?
Last night I dreamt that I noticed something protruding from my wrist. It was a live, worm like, as thin as a thread. As I pulled I felt the pain from deep inside my arm. It struggled against being seen. There was so much of it. As I drew it out it began to find its way into my hand, to go back, I had to wrestle with it and throw it with great force as far from me as possible. No sooner had I done this than a larger alien appeared thicker (more vein like than before) the pulling out of this alien thing was painful and seemed ongoing, no end in sight. There was a sense that they were multiplying in side and the more I teased out the more I noticed how my body was riddled. They were moving around under the surface of my skin an overwhelming sense of being taken over by something that did not belong to me. They seemed strong and it was hard work, a painful battle, a sense of needing to understand their origin and a disbelief to how many there were. It seemed the more I extracted the larger they got, stronger and harder to control.

This dream is familiar to me. I relate it to the internal struggle, to understand how my life experiences, the hurting child parts struggle to be visible. How the messages received from care givers reinforced feeling invisible and began to take over. For me the pulling out is the need to understand, there begins a realisation how deep the traumatic experiences go and how they have taken over my functioning. Impacting on my ability to communicate clearly with people. I find myself drawn to relationships that repeat those of the past, I am learning to listen to the hurting self and tease out what patterns of behaviour are being repeated in the present in order to do it differently. I recognise my choice of life partner was done through misted vision. I live with an alien!!! We speak a foreign language .Walking through the door of my home sometimes feels like entering a new world. One within which I struggle to survive.

Thinking out loud:-
Aliens are within and external to our self. External aliens found in the form of our intimate relationships. Miss communication day to day, the sense of been invisible or misunderstood.

Aliens within our system?:- Parts of self that rebel, that hurt, the child within that feels misunderstood, confused, scared, defiant, angry. Messages that we have swallowed whole and believe to be true reinforcing our sense of difference. Drawn out (triggered) by present day communications with those that we let close.